1: Swim with fat people- Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds survival. Hell even if you don’t know them, tell them you’ll put some A-1, I mean suntan lotion on their back. (wink, wink) If they say it would be weird because they only just met you, say “it’s only weird if you make it weird… …buddy.”
2: Don’t swim in the ocean- By not swimming in the ocean the odds of getting bit by a shark decrease by ten. If you are unsure if you are actually in an ocean, taste it. If it tastes like a soggy salty peanut bag at the big game, you’re in the ocean. GET OUT!
3: Listen out for the music- In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvelous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the “daah-da, daah-da” The faster the sound gets the closer the shark is.
4: Don’t go into the water without a dive knife- This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the “decoy” is bleeding profusely…..swim for your freakin life. In the event the stabbed person (a.k.a. decoy) get’s eaten and the shark is still coming, start stabbing anyone within arms reach, it’s survival of the fittest at this point.
5: Don’t panic- Remember, it’s not about how you have lived your life, but how you leave this world. You my friend are about to leave this world. You are in the mouth of the most fierce predator in the ocean… so do something cool like wave to the people freaking out on the shore and yell, “I got him!”.