Aquaviews - SCUBA Blog » Scuba Humor

The Annoying Diver

Noreen — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 14:50:43 +0000

Boat Diving is a great way to meet other divers of various experience levels that comes with an unspoken code of conduct. Every now and then you come across divers so caught up in themselves that they forget they’re diving with a group of people (mostly strangers at first). Apart from those faux pas that come from inexperience which are somewhat excusable, poor diving etiquette from fellow divers is one of things that can threaten to ruin a dive and a whole scuba diving trip, no matter how great the dive site and diving conditions. We’d like to call them- The Annoying Diver.

There’s at least one of them (if not more) on many a dive boat. Sadly enough, most times they don’t have a clue they’re it. Here’s a look at some of the factors that could make you the “annoying diver”:

The Diving God: Somebody told them, “the higher your scuba certification level, the better the diver you are.” Diving Gods aren’t made from titles alone. Just because you have ‘x’ number of dives under your belt, a C-card with the word “master” or more on it or multiple specialties, doesn’t make you better than the rest of us. The point that you care so much about your stats and the titles rather than actual skills makes you annoying.

Know-it-all Diver: He’s probably only got 50 dives under his belt, and acts like he’s the one leading the dive. He’s the diver that constantly interrupts the dive master’s briefings, tries to take over the dive underwater, brags about how deep he’s dived and the swashbuckling tales of how he spent a month on a liveaboard exploring the waters of Komodo Island to discover new species of fish! There’s almost one of these annoying divers on every trip, and the urge to sock him in the face is sometimes overwhelming.

Mr. Superlative: Today, everyone’s a shark expert, but few people seem capable of saying what it is they saw on a dive. When people and sharks meet, the first victim is truth! Then there are those that fabricate this universe of diving excellence so that they can return home triumphant after a dive. We like to call them “Mr. Superlative ” as they wildly express that each dive is even better then the last, the sharks bigger, the visibility greater, the wreck… er… wreckier. These hyped up dive sites are misleading to most and end up with a reputation that exceeds them.

The Whinger: The opposite of Mr. Superlative from above is the Whinger of group, were no dive meets his standards. Less than generous air fills, not enough to see in the ocean, fish not big enough or coral not pretty enough and how nothing compares to his one perfect dive a decade back all make it into his log book of distaste. Unappreciative party-pooper tactics are annoying as hell.

Mr. Underwater Photographer: Often divers and underwater photographers get so involved in the pursuit of getting underwater pictures that they become oblivious to those around them, much to the annoyance of other divers. This species of diver, thinks that having an underwater camera in their hand warrants them special treatment or allows them to behave obnoxiously towards other divers in any way. Monopolizing the dive deck, muscling fellow divers out of the way whenever they see something interesting to photograph and bumping into coral themselves or with their underwater photography equipment are not only pet peeves for other divers but are also inexcusably wrong. Don’t take on a camera when you can’t even handle your own buoyancy.

The Flailing Llama: As graceful as a Llama underwater, this is the diver that despite getting his/her AOW certification, never bothered to practice perfecting buoyancy and thrashes around like an octopus with epilepsy often bumping into everyone, scaring away the fish and disturbing the sea bed causing hurricane like destruction and clouds of silt everywhere he/she moves. As a diver you can just about resist the urge to duct tape his hands and feet or slit his wrists and let the sharks get to him.

The Gear Head: Some divers just never shut up about their latest scuba gear acquisition, and seem to spout nonstop about how one brand of gear is better than the other, and how the make you purchased just doesn’t compare. He can tell you all it’s features, but can’t figure out how it works. Often the gear head will try to recommend the dive shop or website he purchased his stuff from, almost as if he worked there! The Gear Head is also the only diver around carrying so many scuba accessories with him that there isn’t a single clip on his BCD free, from shark rattles to spit in a spray bottle, the gear head is the Swiss army knife of the seas.

*Image credits: photos by Nemo’s great uncle, nep, jadam and torbenator on flickr

Scuba Humor: Shark Comics by Phil (Shaaark.com)

Noreen — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 16:00:53 +0000

We’ve done a lot of articles here on Aquaviews about Sharks and Shark Attacks; from serious ones like- The Cruel Truth About The Biggest Predators of the Seas & Sharks , Overcoming The ‘Jaws’ Factor When You Dive, Shark Facts And Fish Tales: 5 Biggest Misconceptions About Sharks to ones written in a lighter spirit like 5 Steps to Avoid A Shark Attack or 5 Things More Likely Than a Shark Attack. It was a real delight to come across these funny Shark comics by cartoonist Phil of the Shaaark.com comic strip. Here’s his take on some good ol’ shark humor-

For more of Phil’s comics visit www.shaaark.com

Scuba Humor: Even More Scuba Demotivational Posters

Noreen — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 18:44:44 +0000

Like most scuba divers, when we’re taking time off diving or just off-gassing we love a good laugh. Scuba Diving Jokes no matter how many times we’ve heard them before, never fail to tickle our funny bone. In the past we’ve posted funny Scuba demotivational posters that have been a big hit on the site (if you missed it click here), so here are a few more to get a good laugh out of…

Also See:
Top 10 Scuba Demotivational Posters
More Scuba Demotivational Posters

5 Things More Likely Than a Shark Attack

Noreen — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 16:00:37 +0000

Guest Article By David Harmon of TheDivingBlog.com

Humans have an irrational fear of sharks. Most of this, I believe, is simply fear of the unknown. We don’t understand sharks nor most of the ocean and this frightens us. Combined with their poor treatment by the media and entertainment world, sharks overall get a bad rep. I’m here today to balance the score a little. Statistics put the risk of a shark attack worldwide at about 1 in almost 300 million. That’s a 3 with 8 zeros behind it! And this is only taking into account those who actually go in the water, not your Aunt Mildred who thinks the ocean is “dirty”.

That’s a big number, and big numbers don’t usually mean much to people. Let me put in in more relate-able terms. Here are 5 things more likely to happen to you than getting attacked by a shark:

Win an Academy Award. Over 50 Oscars are given out each year (including scientific and technical award winners), meaning you are more likely to win the coveted gold statuette this year than get bitten by a shark. Better get crackin’ on that script!
Die while scuba diving. While it sucks to think about, over 100 people die a year while scuba diving, often from unknown causes. You’re more likely to die while scuba diving from something like an equipment malfunction than to get attacked by a shark. There, don’t you feel better?
Dealt a full house—three times in a row. The odds of getting dealt a full house (three of a kind and two of another kind, one of the highest hands in poker) is 1 in 693. Let’s say you spend all night playing poker with the guys. You are more likely to get dealt a full house three times in a row than get bitten by a shark. Just how much money did you win last time you played poker?
Killed by a falling aircraft. In murky waters everyone’s on the lookout for killer sharks. How often are you on the lookout for falling aircraft? Instead of the Great White Shark you should be looking out for the Great White Airbus.
Win a Nobel Prize. Six prizes are awarded. This actually makes your odds of winning any one year lower than getting bit by a shark. However, factor in how often they are awarded, and your odds quickly zoom past shark territory. In fact, in any one year you are more likely to become a nobel laureate (nominee) than get attacked by a shark. Isn’t it nice to know that the Nobel prize committee cares more about you than Jaws?

Now don’t you feel ridiculous? These numbers are only for getting attacked by a shark. Let’s say lightning strikes and you do get bitten (actually, the chance of you getting struck by lightning is orders of magnitude greater than getting attacked by a shark). Even then, the chance of you dying is still very small (about 1 in 30).

The problem, of course, is that no one lives by statistics. Rather, we live by our emotions. Next time you feel yourself getting a little irrational, start running the numbers in your head. If worse comes to worse, who knows, maybe the sharks will decide to leave Rain Man alone.

About the Author: David Harmon is a PADI Divemaster, founder of “The Diving Blog” and all-around scuba enthusiast. His scuba blog records his learning curve & experiences as he journeys on to becoming a certified instructor. Catering to all levels of divers it discusses issues, offers tips and educates about all things subaquatic!

*Image Credits: photo by egarc2 on flickr

Scuba Humor: Even More Scuba Demotivational Posters

Noreen — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 17:21:07 +0000

If you missed our Top 10 Scuba Demotivational Posters CLICK HERE

Here’s a look at even more Scuba demotivational posters that’ll make you crack a smile…

Scuba Humor: 5 Steps to Avoid A Shark Attack

Noreen — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 16:06:51 +0000

1: Swim with fat people- Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds survival. Hell even if you don’t know them, tell them you’ll put some A-1, I mean suntan lotion on their back. (wink, wink) If they say it would be weird because they only just met you, say “it’s only weird if you make it weird… …buddy.”

2: Don’t swim in the ocean- By not swimming in the ocean the odds of getting bit by a shark decrease by ten. If you are unsure if you are actually in an ocean, taste it. If it tastes like a soggy salty peanut bag at the big game, you’re in the ocean. GET OUT!

3: Listen out for the music- In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvelous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the “daah-da, daah-da” The faster the sound gets the closer the shark is.

4: Don’t go into the water without a dive knife- This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the “decoy” is bleeding profusely…..swim for your freakin life. In the event the stabbed person (a.k.a. decoy) get’s eaten and the shark is still coming, start stabbing anyone within arms reach, it’s survival of the fittest at this point.

5: Don’t panic- Remember, it’s not about how you have lived your life, but how you leave this world. You my friend are about to leave this world. You are in the mouth of the most fierce predator in the ocean… so do something cool like wave to the people freaking out on the shore and yell, “I got him!”.

Scuba Humor: More Scuba Demotivational Posters

Noreen — Mon, 17 May 2010 16:26:01 +0000

If you missed our Top 10 Scuba Demotivational Posters CLICK HERE

Here’s a look at more Scuba demotivational posters that’ll make you crack a smile…

Scuba Humor: Top 10 Scuba Demotivational Posters

Noreen — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 13:01:44 +0000

Here’s a look at the Top 10 Scuba demotivational posters that’ll make you crack a smile…

25 Ways to Tell You’re Addicted to Scuba Diving

Nevin — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 20:03:22 +0000

You Know you’re Addicted to Scuba Diving When..

1.You flunked high school physics but you amazingly can calculate the partial pressure of a gas in equilibrium and its solubility and absorption rate by the body during a dive using Henry’s Law!

2. Every morning the sound of shaving foam (psshhhht) makes you want to go diving.

3. You’re the only one out of your office buddies that doesn’t snicker when the word “Off-gassing” is mentioned.

4. You get out of bed in the morning by doing a back-roll.

5.You’ve never watched Star Wars but you’ll watch “The Abyss”, “Men Of Honor” or “Deep Blue Sea” 100 times.

6. Then you finally start watching the Star Wars movies and think to yourself “Man, Darth Vader really needs to get that regulator replaced”

7. You show up at your neighborhood swimming pool during the off-season in full dive gear hoping to log some bottom time.

8. You’re the only one who isn’t blushing when you ask your friends, “Want to see some Nudi pictures?

9. You have more ‘C’ cards than credit cards in your wallet.

10. You’re more worried about your divers insurance payments than your health insurance.

11. Your preferred method of getting high is to get ‘narced’ on a deep dive.

12. When your kid’s first words are PA-DI instead of Dad-dy.

13. You see a perfectly good ship and think that would make a nice wreck to dive in.

14. You spend most of your time picking apart the unrealities in the latest Hollywood diving flick rather than watching the movie.

15. You automatically equalize your ears by performing the valsalva maneuver every time you step into an elevator.

16. You answer “Suunto” when asked what kind of computer you use.

17. You spit on your car windshield to prevent it from fogging up.

18. You can’t afford a wristwatch cos you spent all your money on an expensive dive computer instead.

19. While others long for Rolex, Omega or Tag Heuer on their wrists you’d settle for a Mares, Suunto or Oceanic.

20. When you think your neighbors’ vacation to Belize was a waste of money cos they didn’t do any Scuba Diving.

21. When getting a “reverse squeeze” has nothing to do with your girlfriend grabbing your butt!

22. You can’t remember your wedding anniversary but always know when Discovery Channels “Shark Week” is on.

23. You get excited about the viz while you go swimming in a pool.

24. The only suit in your closet besides your wedding suit…is your wetsuit!

25. And you need serious help… if your wedding suit IS your wetsuit.

*Photo credits: photo by joeduty on flickr

Scuba Humor: Scuba Comics by Fritz (Rackafracka)

Noreen — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 15:52:50 +0000

Like any other scuba diver, when we’re taking time off diving or just off-gassing we love a good laugh. Scuba Diving Jokes no matter how many times we’ve heard them before, never fail to tickle our funny bone, which is why we started the Scuba Humor section right here on AquaViews. It was a real delight to come across these light hearted Scuba comics by cartoonist Frtiz of the Rackafracka comic strip.

For more of Fritz’s comics visit www.fritzcartoons.com where you can even order a custom drawn cartoon for your business.